


Sugiteku hibi de Nanika Miushinai kaketa (While the days went by, I lost sight of something)

by vogue91



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band), Kis-My-Ft2 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Flashbacks, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 12:10:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14425122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “So you’re telling me that it’s likely it’ll be over between us?”“Do you want me to lie to you, Jin?”





	Sugiteku hibi de Nanika Miushinai kaketa (While the days went by, I lost sight of something)

**Sugiteku hibi de Nanika Miushinai kaketa**

**(While the days went by, I lost sight of something)**

_“Do you really believe you’ll manage to love me, even when you’ll be gone?”_

_“What about you? Will you?”_

Akanishi was alone in his apartment.

It wasn’t rare; since he’d moved to America, it often happened for him to be alone.

Not that he didn’t have friends there, on the contrary.

People were fine, he didn’t mind going out, there just like when he was in Japan.

Still, he often felt an insane desire to stay home, seeing no one, doing nothing.

He knew it wasn’t healthy, because he inevitably ended up wallowing in thoughts he shouldn’t have had.

He kept thinking about him, wondering what he was going, wondering if he was alright or if he was suffering like him.

He wanted to take the phone and call him, but he didn’t.

He didn’t really want to be clingy.

Or maybe he was just scared of hearing his voice, because he knew he wouldn’t have liked anything he could’ve said.

He would’ve hated hearing him sad, it would’ve made him sad hearing him happy.

He had burned in his mind Kamenashi’s face the day he had left.

It was melancholy, but alongside that there was some sort of bitterness that had almost made him sick.

Because he hadn’t said that openly, but Jin knew he was mad at him. Deadly.

Because in his place, he would’ve likely felt the same.

 

_“What are you planning to do?”_

_“We can try, I can’t tell you more than this. I can’t give you any certainty that I’ll still be here when you’ll be back.”_

He remembered every single word Kazuya had said to him since he had informed him he was going to leave, to the day he had actually done that.

None of them were definitive.

There had been too many doubts, too many possibilities to evaluate, but neither of them knew what was going to happen to their relationship once they would’ve been apart, nor was crazy at the thought of pondering too much about it.

And now Jin regretted many of those things he had kept from him.

He regretted not telling him he was going to love him forever, whatever would’ve happened.

He regretted not asking him to wait for him, to still belong to him, regretted not having begged him, had it been necessary.

Damn pride.

In a week he was going to go back to Japan for a few days, and he would’ve never thought he would’ve felt so little like doing so.

He didn’t want to know what was waiting for him.

He didn’t want to come back and find a happy Kame, a Kame that didn’t need him anymore.

He got up from the couch, exasperated.

He took some vodka out of the fridge and drank directly from the bottle, clenching his eyes as soon as the burn reached his throat.

He sat down at the kitchen table, taking his head in his hands.

He wished he could’ve gone back in time, years if it would’ve been possible, at that time when Kazuya was still a kid, when he counted on him, when he ate out of his hand. When it didn’t take much to make him happy.

But that kid had become a man, and as much as Jin loved who he had become, he couldn’t help but regretting that time when being so good together was almost taken for granted.

 

_“So you’re telling me that it’s likely it’ll be over between us?”_

_“Do you want me to lie to you, Jin?”_

~

 

When he had seen Ueda and Nakamaru at the airport he had instantly forgotten all he had felt these past few months.

It had been good seeing them. He had missed them more than he would’ve thought.

They had brought him home so that he could leave his suitcase there and then they had gone out for lunch, to a place in Shinjuku.

He had told them more or less about what he had been doing in Los Angeles and how his solo career was going.

When he had asked how the others were, then, he had seen them looking briefly at each other.

“They’re all good. They were happy you were coming back. And they’re sorry they couldn’t come to the airport, but they’re busy with work.” Ueda explained, quiet.

Jin raised an eyebrow; his answer seemed evasive, and he couldn’t help but noticing how Yuichi had gotten antsy, shifting his weight on the chair, as if he was uncomfortable.

He was afraid about the reason behind it.

“What about Kame? How is he...” he sighed, realizing just now how long it had been since he had last said his name. “How is he doing?” he asked, looking at both of them waiting for an answer.

In the end Nakamaru sighed, averting his eyes from him while he getting ready to answer.

 _Bad sign_ Jin thought.

“Kame’s fine. He...” he glimpsed at Ueda, as to look for some help he didn’t find. “He’s been dating Tamamori-kun.” the elder said, the name of the kid said feebly, as if he didn’t want to be heard.

But Jin, unfortunately for him, had gotten that loud and clear.

He kept quiet for a while, staring into space.

He didn’t know whether he had expected this or not.

He didn’t even know how he felt right now.

He just knew he felt suddenly empty.

As if Maru’s words had taken the will to react out of him, to do anything at all.

“Ah, really?” he said then, a tone feigning awfully nonchalance.

But after all, what was he supposed to say?

“They have started going out a couple months ago.” Ueda specified, cautious, staring at his friend’s face as if looking for any sign of yielding.

But Jin wasn’t going to show that. He didn’t want to get mad, he didn’t want to be comforted.

He didn’t want to do anything.

He wanted to get up from that table and get back home, holing himself up there, closing doors and windows.

Close the world out, stay in his darkness until the lights would’ve been on again, until he would’ve figured the whole situation out, until he would’ve learnt to live with the fact that Kame didn’t belong to him anymore, and he hadn’t even realized that.

“Are you alright, Jin?” Ueda asked then, frowning, looking horribly serious.

“Peachy.” he replied, without managing to sound sarcastic as he had intended.

He kept quiet for the rest of the lunch, hoping that it was going to be over soon.

He had never felt so little inclined to having other people around.

 

_“Kazu, it’s me. I wanted to know how you’ve been doing and... to hear your voice.”_

_“I’m fine, Jin. What about you?”_

_“Not so much.”_

~

 

The sound of the doorbell echoed in his ears.

It was annoying.

It made him think about when he had his own keys, when he could go in freely.

When that home was also his own, like the person living in it.

Now he felt little more than a stranger.

It was morning, and the shadows under his eyes were at their worst; the night before had managed to sleep for nothing more than a couple hours, persecuted by nightmares.

And being awake wasn’t a much better solution; once realized what had happened, focused Nakamaru’s words, he had started thinking about Tamamori and Kame together, about them sharing that bed that had been his own, looking at each other and smiling, with a complicity he wasn’t going to have with Kame anymore.

It hurt.

More than he could’ve imagined.

And know he didn’t really know why he was in front of that door, what he was expecting to find or what he was going to tell Kame once he would’ve opened.

He just knew that the desire to see him had been stronger than the disgust for what had happened to their relationship.

He felt the door creaking a little, then it opened.

Jin felt a sharp pain in his chest.

“Hi, Kazuya.” he murmured; the other man looked like he was hallucinating.

“J-Jin.” he stammered. “What are you doing here?” he asked, shifting his weight from a foot to another, as if he couldn’t move to let him in.

“Didn’t the others tell you I was coming back to Japan for a few days?” Akanishi replied, almost provoking him.

Kamenashi sighed, and finally moved.

“Yes, they did. But I wasn’t expecting...” another sigh, almost exasperated. “Come on in.” he said then, caving.

Jin went in almost cautiously, as if he was afraid. He took off his shoes and followed the younger to the living room.

He froze.

Tamamori was on the couch; and when he saw Jin he had basically the same reaction. He stood up, getting closer hesitatingly.

“A-Akanishi-kun.” he stammered, intimidated. “Welcome back.” he added, giving him a stretched smile, that disappeared when he saw the expression on the elder’s face.

He looked alternatively at him and Kame, before speaking again.

“Well, I think it’s better if I go take a walk.” he sighed, resigned.

“There’s no need for it.” Kamenashi hissed, at the same time as Jin said “Yes, that’s definitely better.”

Tamamori looked at them one more time, almost if he was trying to decide who scared him the most right now.

And it seemed like Jin won that battle, because after having looked apologetically at Kame he rushed to the entrance, closing the door behind his back.

Once alone, Kamenashi turned to look at him, annoyed.

“Was it really necessary to have him go away? I’ve got nothing to say to you that he couldn’t listen to.” he said, looking straight into his eyes.

Jin quivered.

He didn’t know how he felt anymore; he hated that look on Kame, he hated him for what he was doing to him.

And yet the more he looked at him the more he couldn’t help loving him, simply as that.

He just wished it was mutual.

“Why Tamamori?” he asked, in a whisper. The younger’s eyes widened, surprised at the question.

“Because I like being with him. Because he’s _here_. And because I’ve got no tie forbidding him to be in a relationship with him.” he remarked, purposefully allusive.

Akanishi clenched his fists, getting closer.

“What does that make of me?” he said, gritting his teeth.

Kame raised an eyebrow, looking almost bored.

“We’re not together anymore, Jin. I’ve told you when you left that it wasn’t going to work for me, and if you’ve refused to accept that it’s not my problem.” he replied.

The elder bit on his lip.

It hurt. Too much for him to accept it, too much for him to lower his head and leave, realizing that Kame didn’t belong to him anymore.

Slowly, he brought an arm around his waist; then, with a harsher movement he grabbed the back of his head, pressing their lips together.

It took a few seconds for the other to pull away, pushing him with all his strength, but it was still enough for Jin to realize how much he had missed those lips.

The thought he wasn’t allowed to kiss them anymore drove him crazy.

“What is it that you want, Jin?” Kame burst out, his eyes filled with rage.

“I love you, Kazu. I want you to tell me you don’t love me anymore, that there’s nothing left of what you felt for me.” he answered, challenging.

The younger got closer again, enough for the other man to feel his breath on his skin.

Kamenashi brought a hand to his neck, brushing it almost lasciviously, reducing the distance between them.

“You’ve left. And I’ve told you I wasn’t going to be there when you would’ve come back, Jin.” he said, calmer than the situation required. “There are things that hurt, but that one can get used to. You start ignoring them slowly, and then one morning you wake up and realize they’re just gone.” he sighed, letting go of him but still looking in his eyes. “I don’t love you anymore, Jin.”

Akanishi froze.

He knew he was going to say it. What was he expecting, anyway?

He knew, and still he was hit by those words, as if he had just been stabbed.

He wanted to reply, but it was like he lacked enough breath to do so.

He brought a hand to his face, caressing him gently; then he just turned and left, saying nothing else, and without Kame pressing him to do so.

His steps were slow, erratic; he dragged his feet four a couple of blocks, then all of a sudden he stopped, frowning.

_I don’t love you anymore, Jin._

Maybe somewhere inside of him he knew that love doesn’t last.

Not for Kazuya.

Because he had been in America too long, without seeing him and hearing from him too little, keeping him close only in his memories, and they were such vivid memories that even if he had wanted to he wouldn’t have been able to make the love he felt for him fade.

And he didn’t want to be forced to do so. He wanted to keep that feeling, living it, he wanted to still have the right to keep Kame close, showing him that there was still something for them.

And it wasn’t much what the younger had said to him, more the tone he had used.

Cold, impersonal.

Almost as if he was a stranger.

Jin sighed.

He would’ve gotten back home, defeated; he would’ve been alone, as usual, because he didn’t want to see anybody.

He would’ve closed the world out, waiting for the light to come back into his life.

Even though now it was nowhere to be seen.

There was only darkness, all around.

 

_“Kazuya... I love you.”_

_“I’m sorry, Jin.”_


End file.
